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Psst. It’s me. You probably had trouble seeing through my clever disguise, a slightly longer coat than usual. But I assure you, it’s myself, the list goblin. My disguise is good, eh? Unlike some of these examples. Here are 9 of the worst disguises in videogames.
A box – Metal Gear Solid
Pioneered by master of infiltration, David Snake, this technique makes the user appear to guards as nothing more than an unusually mobile cardboard box with two adorable feet. What a good box, thinks your adversary. Perhaps it contains organic oranges or maybe some other perfectly reasonable things to store at a nuclear waste disposal facility. “Take care of the box,” philosophises the famous mech murdering protagonist, “and it’ll take care of you.” The only creature that idolises empty boxes more than Solid Dave is my cat, who also believes she becomes invisible once encased in four cardboard walls.
Agents – Evil Genius 2
The law-abiding agents of J.U.S.T.I.C.E in this top-down villain management game sometimes come into your lair dressed as your own workers. You would be less suspicious of these engineers and janitors if they weren’t tip-toeing around your base with pantomime enthusiasm, swag bags over their shoulders, taking photographs of all your most heinous crimes. They are terrible rusers, and frankly they deserve to be evaporated into dust by your impassable wall of lasers.
Mud – Shadow Of The Tomb Raider
Lara Croft, the world’s most famous gap year student who thinks she is a jungle. She believes if you smear muck all over your eyelids, you will become one with the rainforest, rather than, say, getting conjunctivitis. She reckons if you put hastily butchered furs all over your body, you will embody the spirit of an imperceivable beast, as opposed to smelling so bad you alert every human being and wild animal in a 100-meter radius. Cut it out, Lozza. You’re not a seasoned guerilla revolutionary. You’re on a package holiday in Cancun.
Red guy with “Blue” as his username – Among Us
A trickster flourish of disinformation that everyone can appreciate. Yet this will never fluster smart players such as myself. Social deduction wundergame Among Us is all about observation, deception and trust. If I cannot trust you to give yourself a normal username, like Xx_EaterOfGibbons_xX or DopePope420, then how can I trust you in an extraterrestrially besieged space station? I can’t. So get out of here, Blue. I mean Red. The red guy, no listen, he’s called blue but he’s red. Yes, blue. No, not blue-blue, red-blue. Listen, he’s- LISTEN.
A pot – Dark Souls 3
Before the potbois of Elden Ring, there were the potbois of Dark Souls. Magically transforming yourself into an irregularly lit environmental object is only convincing if your enemy has poor prop hunt skill. Be that box, branch or big statue.
Mileena – Mortal Kombat 11
It’s been 10 games since we met you, Milly. We all know you’re a fanged beast under the mask. Be true to yourself. We accept you for who you are. (A sadistic killer).
The Phantom Thieves – Persona 5 Strikers
The operational security of this teenage gang of undercover brain manipulators is so bad that they were swiftly found out by their student council president. Usually, their disguises are only active in a weirdo dream world where nobody of import would see them. But that does not make loudly talking about their vigilante enterprise by the high school vending machines any less imprudent.
Corvo at the masked ball – Dishonored
“You’re a scandal in that mask,” says a moth-faced guest at Lady Boyle’s costume party. She thinks you’re only dressed-up as the magical assassin stalking the streets of Dunwall. In reality, you are the assassin. A brash play, some would say. A taste of delicious dramatic irony, others would argue. No, be quiet some and others. Corvo is being lazy. Look at the effort Miss Moth went to. That’s cosplayer-level dedication. Corvo is like your friend Jerry, who comes to the Halloween party without a costume and says: “Ha ha, I’ve come as ‘Jerry’, ha ha ha.”
Agent 47 – Hitman
Mr. 47 here, aka Ian Hitman aka Toby R- wait, where’d he go? Oh, there, in the milkman outfit. I know it’s you, 47! I can tell from your cloney face! Look at him, all cheekbones and ghost eyes. The giant barcode on the back of 47’s head is oft-cited as an obvious giveaway but consider the other clues. His cop walk, his nightclub bouncer fists, his distinct voice that is genetically enhanced to be so vacant of expression it is both noticeable and alarming. Dressed up as a secret agent bodyguard, okay, Sir Fibre Wire sometimes looks the part. But as this Columbian gardener? I don’t think so. Take off that hat, 47, I know it’s y- oh god. This is the actual gardener… so sorry, señor, sorry… oh god… where is he? How did this happen? Oh god…
One Off The List from… TimeSplitters levels we want
Last time I coyly suggested 13 levels we’d like to see in the new TimeSplitters. But one of these speculative timezones has been delisted. It’s… Your flat in 2020.
“I’d take pretty much any level besides my apartment during 2020,” says time travelllist ‘Vestergaardish’, typing aloud what we’re all thinking. “What a miserable place.”
And thus it was so. That hypothetical level is no more, its pre-existence: expunged. It never happened. The hollow year cannot harm us from the void. See you next time, list goblins.
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