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S3, E8, ‘The Wellness Center’

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WARNING: The following contains major spoilers for What We Do in the Shadows Season 3, Episode 8, “The Wellness Center,” now available on Hulu via FX.

Though What We Do in the Shadows is an ensemble show, Nandor is — unexpectedly, considering he’s a 700-year-old Persian tyrant turned vampire — the most relatable character and frequently the audience’s avatar for what it would be like to experience all the curses, blessings and banalities of eternal life. Episode 8 begins on Nandor’s Ascension Day, the commemoration of his rise to power. Typically, Guillermo organizes an elaborate party. However, this year, Nandor’s persistent ennui prevents him from enjoying the festivities, even as Colin Robinson belly dances and mimics Marilyn Monroe with a breathy, “Happy Ascension Day, Mr. Relentless”.


Nadja, who has been a phenomenal advocate for vampire mental health as of late, reminds fans that vampire depression is most definitely a real thing. Immortality can be both a daunting and boring prospect, and Nandor is still lamenting that he has no one to share it with. But his depression has expanded beyond simple lovesickness. He’s struggling to find any sense of purpose and is troubled by the fact that he still lives with roommates at his age. In an attempt to make him feel purposeful and masculine, Nadja stages an intervention of sorts. Someone has to collect the unpaid Vampiric Council dues. She doesn’t want to do it because it’s really low-level work, but more importantly, she thinks the completion of a menial task will lift her friend out of his funk.

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Nandor’s bill collection duties take him to a place called “The Post Chiropterean Wellness Center.” Zoologists who also happen to be fans of What We Do in the Shadows may have been spoiled by the otherwise generic new-agey signage. Chiroptera is the scientific term for the order of bats. Once inside the unassuming multi-use space, Nandor begins to look for Jan, his contact and the one responsible for paying 132 years of back dues. A room full of athleisure-clad bodies assume intensely creepy smiles and point in Jan’s direction in unison. It’s clear before audiences ever meet the leader that this isn’t just an insufferable vampire wellness center; it’s a vampire cult.

To be more specific, it’s a cult for vampires who long to become human again and believe it’s possible to do so, thanks to the charismatic Jan. As Nandor tries to collect, Jan not only tries to get out of paying up but makes a half-hearted attempt to recruit him. First, she and her followers show him their fangless mouths, which he initially finds disturbing. Then, she drinks a glass of water in front of him. As vampires can’t eat or drink, this display is meant to prove she’s not a charlatan (but she fakes a printer issue and discreetly vomits it all back up into a waste bin seconds later). Finally, she asks Nandor how long he’s been “caught up in this whole vampire trip” and whether he’s happy. In light of Nandor’s ongoing existential crisis, it’s her in. Nandor admits he’s not happy, and she promises him “another way” where he’ll be able to walk into the sun and find meaning in life again.

After a brief deliberation, Nandor decides to pack up and join the “community.” He dons his 13th-century human clothes, which Colin says make him look like a Playmobil figure because the first step of becoming human again is to pretend. He doesn’t know what the second step is yet. His housemates try to convince him that what Jan’s promised isn’t possible and that he’s making a stupid mistake. Nandor tells the documentarians that he’s skeptical by nature, but Jan’s rocking body and pamphlet (titled “A New Dawn”) were very persuasive.

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Nandor’s departure also means Guillermo is relieved of his duties. He begs his former master one last time to turn him into a vampire, so they can both be happy. Nandor confesses that despite his “cold heart” and Guillermo’s “just OK personality,” he has grown fond of him, and that’s exactly why he can’t burden him with the curse of vampirism. He gives him a boop on the nose instead.

A month later, Nandor is fitting into his new community just fine. He’s got a new totally ’80s haircut and wardrobe, not to mention a new outlook on life. Rather than mope around the house as he used to, he spends his days doing Jazzercise, hula hooping, losing at cornhole and preparing vegan food only to throw it away. He and his fellow formerly fangless rip out their fangs every night (since they grow back every morning) and learn all the lyrics to Barenaked Ladies’ “One Week,” which is apparently the most human thing anybody can do. It doesn’t hurt that his relationship with Jan has turned physical. Things are fine at the vampire house, too. Nadja and Laszlo appreciate the lack of weeping, and Colin has moved into Nandor’s bedroom, though it’s taking him a while to mark everything with the scent of his farts.

Guillermo, however, senses trouble. With help from Colin and the New Dawn pamphlet, Guillermo tracks Nandor down at the PCWC. He stuffs a gym bag full of stakes and a clean towel just to be safe. Guillermo does his best to blend in at aerobics class, but Jan sniffs him out immediately. The cultists open his bag and find the vampire hunting equipment. They descend on him, hissing with their fang holes exposed. Guillermo, the expert vampire combatant that he is, sprays them all with garlic powder and, in one of What We Do in the Shadow‘s best action set pieces, fights off several hallways-worth of cultists with more garlic and some hula hoops before finally rescuing Nandor. Nandor doesn’t want to be rescued, though. His new cult makes him feel good about himself in a way that he hasn’t felt in decades, but Guillermo imprisons him in the basement dungeon cell “for his own good.” The housemates barely recognize him and get to work deprogramming his broken brain.

In a dark but deeply relevant mid-credits stinger, security cameras show Jan’s followers beginning to question her teachings. She stands up and announces that today is the today they’ll renounce eternal life and walk in the sun. One by one, the brainwashed exit through a backdoor and catch fire in the daylight. “I’m right behind you,” she shouts as the last one burns to death. Then she shuts the door and turns into a bat.

The first eight episodes of What We Do in the Shadows Season 3 are streaming now on Hulu via FX.

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