Bungie Announces Yet Another Tall Woman In Destiny 2

Today, Bungie proudly joins the ranks of Capcom, FromSoftware, and other lovers of big ladies everywhere. The upcoming Destiny 2 expansion stars the Hive Witch Savathun, a long-teased major villain from the part of the lore I actually know about (ask me anything about sword logic), and Bungie has wasted no time publicly posting her height (21 feet, well over double the year’s previous horny obsession Lady Dimitrescu) on Twitter dot com. If you’re wondering why, let me explain.

Tall women! Y’all heard of these? No? Well lemme tell ya. They’re like normal women, but way bigger! And they fulfill an important social function: letting queer women and straight men bond over their mutual love of these gangly girls, until some dude inevitably takes it too far on main and then everyone else feels weird.

Massive maidens are by no means a new thing in fiction, nor in video games. Towering femmes have been around since the birth of horny. However, in the last year we have seen the Ll/Mvgr (Lofty lasses per major video game release) increase exponentially. Before, we would get one a year at best! And oftentimes, if it were any more than one, it was multiple lanky broads in the same game. But with the advent of Twitter, and people’s newfound ability to publicly pronounce who or what they want to sleep with at any given moment, the gargantuan gal-loving market has been revealed and quickly indulged.

While there has been an uptick in the number of long dames proliferating the medium, I think it would be just as accurate to say that brands are becoming more particular in their use of horny marketing. There was always some embarrassment or discomfort around the fact that marketing was based on having hot women everywhere, but that embarrassment has been replaced with the corporate co-opting of, usually queer, sex positivity. Marketing managers saw queer femmes, like former hornt correspondent Ash Parrish, post their business on main, and have since decided that there’s definitely not a significant tone difference between aforementioned queer femmes and the official twitter of a major video game publisher talking about getting their rocks off.

Video game marketing has always been thirsty and weird—booth babes, titty armor, and rib crunching character models jump immediately to mind—but it has never been this specific. Horny marketing of yore leaned into a generic, traditional sort of hotness: big ass, big boobs, long hair, petite frame. Here and there you would get a hot lady who wasn’t like other girls, which you could tell because they looked like lesbians but weren’t. But now, in 2021, your (yes, even your’s dear reader) particular fetishes have become data points used to algorithmically generate the most plausibly deniable hot lady marketing possible.

Welcome to future, it sucks.