Nobody Does it Better: Hube’s Very Best of Bond (Plus a Few Non-Binary 007 Film Titles)

James Bond franchise overseer Barbara Broccoli must either have dementia or a death wish for her property. She actually said recently that Agent 007  at some point in the future “could identify as non-binary” and use “they/them” pronouns.

Though Broccoli did say she “thinks” Bond will continue to be a man, she added “I mean, I think it’s open [that Bond could be binary]. We just have to find the right actor.”

Goodbye, Mr. Bond.

How many more examples do we need of woke, remodeled bullshit masquerading as entertainment?

POTENTIAL “NON-BINARY” 007 FILMS:

By the way, that last one is targeted more for Ms. Broccoli in the hopes she’ll reconsider her inane comments.

HUBE’S HOTTEST BOND BABES OF ALL TIME

5. Monica Bellucci as Lucia Sciarra in Spectre
4. Naomie Harris as Eve Moneypenny in Skyfall, Spectre, No Time to Die
3. Carole Bouquet as Melina Havelock in For Your Eyes Only
2. Claudine Auger as Domino Derval in Thunderball
1. Carey Lowell as Pam Bouvier in License to Kill

HUBE’S BEST BOND VILLAINS

5. Hugo Drax in Moonraker. Masterfully portrayed by French actor Michael Lonsdale in an otherwise cheeky film, Drax had the most ambitious bad guy scheme ever: the death of every person on the planet. Drax coolly dispatched of anyone who f***ed him over (like calmly snapping his fingers to release a pair of Dobermans to tear apart a former female aide who had assisted Bond) and never lost his cool until the film’s climax, when he merely raised his voice to reprimand fellow bad guy Jaws in his orbiting space station. 

4. Jaws (The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker). The giant with the cobalt choppers was essentially turned into comic relief in his second outing, but you know he freaked you out back in those halcyon days of the late 70s!

3.  Auric Goldfinger (Goldfinger). “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE!” ‘Nuff said. He employed babes (Pussy Galore) and bad-ass enforcers (the razor-edged hat throwing Oddjob), and devised far-out nefarious schemes (robbing Fort Knox). Oh, and he “neatly compacted” two agents inside their car. And almost lasered off Bond’s private parts.

2. Franz Sanchez (License to Kill). Sanchez didn’t mastermind any diabolical conquering schemes; he was “just” a drug kingpin whom Bond’s CIA cohort, Felix Leiter, happened to royally piss off. So, Sanchez kills Felix’s new bride, and feeds Felix to a shark. Bond resigns from the service to get vengeance, and through a wacky twist of fate, lands in the drug lord’s confidence. Masterfully portrayed by Robert Davi, he perfectly embodies Scarface-ish sociopathy and fierce loyalty.

1. Le Chiffre (Casino Royale). Mads Mikkelson is creepily sensational as the terrorist who makes millions in the stock market by having underlings commit assorted acts of terror. He’s also a mathematical genius, smoking opponents in high stakes card games. But if you start to get the better of him, he’ll have your drink poisoned … or even better, he’ll tie you to a chair with the bottom cut out, and then smash your balls to jello.

DEADLIEST BOND VILLAIN PLOT: Without a doubt it’s Hugo Drax’s brainchild of eradicating all humans on Earth and replacing them with hand-picked genetically perfect specimens (Moonraker). Drax, before being offed by 007, managed to launch a trio of poison-carrying modules, each capable of killing 100 million people. But Bond’s marksmanship saves the day, natch.

MOST RIDICULOUS BOND VILLAIN PLOT: Without a doubt it’s Hugo Drax’s brainchild of eradicating all humans on Earth and replacing them with his hand-picked genetically perfect specimens (Moonraker). I mean, really — how would Drax manage to employ hundreds — thousands — of workers, most of whom would have to be aware, even marginally, of his nefarious plot? C’mon — building a massive, radar-proof space station? Building a space shuttle launch base … in the Amazon River Basin?? And hey, if Jaws could figure out that he’d have no place in Drax’s new world order, why the hell didn’t all the other genetically imperfect employees inhabiting the space station?

BEST BOND CHASE SCENE: Casino Royale’s romp through the Madagascar construction site. And it’s “merely” a foot chase. In case you’re wondering, the dude Bond pursues is named Mollaka, and his skill is called “parkour running.” What Bond lacks of this skill he more than makes up for in brains — he analyzes every situation instantly during the chase and uses it to his advantage. (Need to descend quickly? No worries — just hop on the hydraulic scaffold and hack off the hydraulic tubing!) Not to mention Mollaka can’t come close to 007’s fighting prowess, natch.

BEST BOND MOVIE INTRO: Casino Royale with Chris Cornell’s powerful vocals in the song “You Know My Name” alongside way-cool playing card-style graphics of 007 fighting bad guys just cannot be beat. And you know the babes were swooning at the conclusion — the slow approach of the new Bond, Danny Craig, vacillating between all-black and vivid color.

BEST BOND GADGET: Still the coolest: The Aston Martin DB5 from Goldfinger. What wasn’t to love about such a car in the mid-1960s? Machine gun fog lights? Check. Oil slick? Check. Passenger ejector seat? Oh yes.

BEST OPENING SEQUENCE: Casino Royale’s for several reasons. One, it’s the only James Bond opening sequence done in black and white. The cinematography is perfect. Two, it details the very beginnings of James Bond as a double-oh. Third, the action is brutal and incredibly realistic. And lastly, the sequence’s conclusion leads into the best song/intro in Bond history (see above).

HUBE’S TOP FIVE “OH, COME ON!” BOND MOMENTS

5. Jaws surviving everything. He lives through a cable car smashing through a massive concrete building. He survives falling into a circus without a parachute from thousands of feet in the air. And, most head-shakingly, he and his new girlfriend survive their descent from orbit in a busted piece of Drax’s obliterated space station (all in Moonraker).

4. Bond survives Gustav Graves’ heat beam by wind-surfing on a tidal wave (Die Another Day). Aside from the fact that the heat beam still should’ve crisped Bond despite him hanging aloft on the side of the cliff, his escape via surfing atop the collapsing cliff’s-caused tidal wave defies more belief than when 007 surfed into North Korea in the film’s opening.

3. Hugo Drax constructs space shuttle launch facilities in the Amazon jungle (Moonraker). I already mentioned this major head-scratcher, but it bears repeating: How in the hell does a major corporate figure manage to build such a base in the middle of the densest jungle on the planet … with no one noticing? After such a massive intel failure, the CIA and MI6 should’ve been completely dismantled … and then rebuilt from scratch.

2. Casting Lynn-Holly Johnson in For Your Eyes Only. It’s bad enough her movie name was “Bibi Dahl,” but what were the writers thinking — M would have to spring Bond from jail for statutory rape?? Johnson’s “acting,” such that it is, may be the worst ever witnessed in a Bond film, and her mere inclusion in FYEO was ridiculously gratuitous.

1. The “Bondola” in Moonraker. Cracked.com nails this one perfectly:

Sure, the Bondola looks like a Venetian gondola, but there’s one crucial difference: the Bondola is embarrassingly stupid. Okay, two crucial differences: with the flip of a switch, Bond (Roger Moore) converts the craft from mundane gondola into high-speed turbo Bondola to escape an assassination attempt. An enemy motor boat pursues the Bondola through the canals of Venice. At one point—this is hilarious—the bad guy boat slices a regular non-turbo gondola neatly in two. The two lovers on one half of the bisected gondola are so busy kissing they don’t even notice, while the gondolier in the other half keeps rowing.

The Bondola has yet another trick up its figurative sleeve. Bond presses a button labeled “LAME” and the turbo gondola turns into a hovercraft gondola. He drives that bad boy up on to dry land and across St. Mark’s Square, blowing everyone’s mind. A waiter spills wine on a patron, another fella decides to quit drinking on the spot, and a pigeon does a double-take. Yes, a pigeon does a double-take. The Bondola freaks that pigeon’s shit out! That is comedy Moonraker-style.

Maybe Bond skipped the class on keeping a low profile in Secret Agent School.

 

And finally…

HUBE’S BEST BOND FLICKS OF ALL TIME

5. Skyfall. Though it made the most cash of any Craig 007 film, it’s not the best (see below). Still, Bond’s backstory, closeness to M and Javier Bardem’s villainy make this a keeper.

4. License to Kill. I know I’ll get grief for this choice, but Robert Davi’s portrayal of drug lord Franz Sanchez makes this second (and last) Timothy Dalton-as-Bond film a keeper, not to mention the most beautiful Bond Girl of all, Cary Lowell.

3. From Russia With Love. Connery has to deal with a beautiful fake Soviet defector, as well as sociopathic (Soviet) assassin Robert Shaw.

2. Goldfinger. Original Bond Sean Connery’s best outing, featuring one of the best Bond villains ever, Oddjob, one of the best lines ever (“No Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE!”), and, of course, the best gadget of all, the spy-equipped Aston Martin. Oh, and need I mention the best Bond Girl name of all — Pussy Galore?

1. Casino Royale. Daniel Craig explodes onto the scene as the sixth James Bond … and the best. “Casino” signals a “rebooting” of the franchise with Bond as a meaner, grittier and less perfect agent. So good, I watch it in its entirety every time it’s on.

See All of the James Bond 007 Films Ranked

What are some of your “best of Bond” picks?